grams and ounces ...

a few months ago, back when i could still fit into trousers that did not feature elastic waistbands, i read an online journal by a woman who had a brand-new-born-baby. she was an ecstatic new mother and chirped blissfully about all about the usual things: baby smells, tiny fingernails, nocturnal cooing sounds, etc. i appreciated her positive attitude and her determination to only publicize the good/funny parts of early motherhood. one particular post that caught my attention though - and stayed lodged in my memory - was all about the THINGS SHE THOUGHT SHE WOULD NEVER DO BUT WAS NOW DOING ON A REGULAR BASIS. you know, things like call her husband "daddy" and using cutsie terms for baby bowel movements.

it was funny, and so when my doctor told me last week that my Darling Unborn weighed a mighty 2,400 grams, i immediately thought of doing a similar post called THINGS I MUST NOT ASSOCIATE WITH MY BABY. because the only thing i know about grams is that 28 of them make an ounce. of marijuana.

and, really, i'm aaallll about trying to be an open-minded mum, but somehow i doubt that imagining my baby as 5 pound mountain of lush greenery is a healthy habit. and perhaps not even legal, given korea's rigid anti-drug laws. it might just be worth my while to spend a few days confusing myself with different conversions, to shake this terrible mathematical anomaly. and also - to mentally brace myself for some of the more shocking changes motherhood will inevitably bring. the truth is, i can deftly open a bottle of wine with a wooden chopstick, while sitting in the lotus position, on a rocky boat, but i'm not exactly sure how to burp a baby. i mean, do i pat or rub? or gently jostle-but-not-shake? ah, the mysteries of the universe.

so, on to the happy news - and there is always happy news around here - is that the Wee One is healthy and should be making her grand entrance in about 3 weeks, give or take a few days. i'm still feeling fit as a fiddle, which is fortunate since i still have 2 weeks left to work - and the weather here in korea is still splendid and springy. no hazy heat waves yet, knock on wood.

and finally: sweet indie music comes in threes! please sample and enjoy!

The Cloud Room - hey now now, for Jesse in Japan.
Winterpills - portrait, for Mireille.
Scotland Yard Gospel Choir - i know a girl, for the sisters Murphy, especially Chantelley.

oh, and mom? your grandaughter weighs 2,500 000 milligrams or, 2.3 kilograms. next time i'll tell you what she weighs in fahrenheit.

and i've never smoked pot.

honest.

vituperation is for meanies ...

I've been reading a James Atlas article (IN PRAISE OF DISPRAISE) and in it he claims that "stern critical denunciations" are invigorating and entertaining because they appeal to the sticky & dirty bits of nastiness that are (apparently) just lurking within us all. sorta like a literary schadenfreunde, or something like that. he says that socially sanctioned criticisms allow people to release their aggressive instincts and gain cathartic release by picking on somebody their own size. or - in the case of literary reviews - on somebody of their own intellectual caliber. he uses Henry James' denunciation of russian novels as "large, loose, baggy monsters" as an example of how much more delicious and memorable a bad review can be. "good manners", he claims,"are a sign of a dull era". a prime example of how this still rings true would be the recent drama over 'crash' vs. 'brokeback mountain'. nary a dull moment there, or here, that's for sure. oh why can't we all just get along??

sigh. when i first read Atlas' article last summer i think i thought something like: 'yeah, how true', or maybe, 'wow, what a clever guy'. or something banal like that. but i read it again yesterday and - in keeping with the sunshiny theme of this blog - had a change of heart. and 'heart' is probably the best word for what changed in me (that, and hormones) because i still can't say that i disagree with Mr. Atlas - but i wish i could. i wish that 'incisive' didn't have to collocate with 'biting' and that disparagement and criticisms weren't so easy. or so fun to read.

but anyway, enough about my dreams of utopian bliss and more about my real world, here in korea: me, Mr. Lee and baby2b! i have no illusions as to why i've suddenly gone all sappy and gooey-eyed but according to at least one interesting experiment i'm not the only one changing and morphing into a pile of jello. i expect Mr. Lee should be breaking out the guitar for rounds of 'kumpaya' any day now - and i swear i've recently seen him get damp-eyed around baby buggies and bonnets. i'm smiling as i type this - but as evidence: here is a photo of him playing with MY stuff. who would have thunk one man could get so excited about a breast pump?

i hope this post doesn't get me into trouble. because i love my husband. he's the breast. er... best. i meant best.

3 days later .....
(crude blog edit)

well, the more astute amongst you (and i hope that's everyone) will notice that i've deleted the photos and opted for the much sexier flickr badge, waaaay over there on the right. same star shots - different location. click to view, and all that snazy stuff.

enjoy - and if you mock me - please be gentle. there's a 5 pound baby inside that belly!

and finally, finally - a song. one of my all-time favourites, from one of my all-time favourite groups - Mountain Goats. no bad reviews, no bad news, here ... Mountain Goats - this year

the last straw ... berry

so, there i was.

at 6:00 this morning, leaning over my kitchen sink washing a huge styrofoam box of strawberries while Mr. Lee slumbered peacefully in bed and my father, who had come to visit for a few days, sang baritone to himself in the shower.

i didn't want to be washing strawberries, i didn't want to be hunched over my stupid made-for-short-people sink with my hands in icy water, i didn't want to see how warm and adorable my husband looked wrapped in blankets, and, really, i didn't want to listen to my father sing in the shower. so, you know, i did what umpteen million women have done before me

:i muttered to myself about the injustice of it all, i furrowed my brow just hard enough to make some really impressive crevices, and i plucked at the green strawberry tops just a little too hard - while compiling a mental list of all the people who should be thanking me for working so hard.

heh. and then i remembered a couple of things. i remembered that i had actually volunteered to get up at 6 AM to see my father off to the train station, i remembered that i had actually asked for the queen-size box of strawberries, and - AND - that i had imperiously ordered Mr. Lee back to bed when he tried to get up to help me.

so, i'm an absolute idiot.

but, on the plus side, i also remembered a book that my sister Audrey gave me a few years ago. titled HOW TO MAKE YOURSELF MISERABLE; A VITAL TRAINING MANUAL by Dan Greenburg, i gleefully dug it out this afternoon and after a brief skim determined that, yes, i'm still a bit of a masochist. just in case anyone out there is interested in becoming, well, more like me, here' s an excerpt:

Exercise: Seventeen Masochistic Activities for the Beginner

1. Make a list of all the people you know who are younger than you and more successful.
2. Make a list of all the things you nearly had but somehow blew.
3. Make a list of all the great things you can't do anymore.
4. Write a letter to somebody, mail it, then figure out which part could be most easily misunderstood.
5. Schedule your next nonessential drive downtown to coincide with peak traffic hour.
6. Schedule a Labor Day Weekend excursion without making advance reservations.
7. Schedule a trip to New York in August or February. If you already live in New York, go to Philadelphia in August or February.
8. Make it your business to see the next James Bond movie on opening night.
9. Buy a stock, check the market quotation every day in the paper, and every time it goes down figure out exactly how exactly much money you lost.
10. Using the tip of your tongue, see how long it takes to make your gums bleed.
11. Get yourself a medical book, copy down the symptoms of ten fatal diseases, and see how many you already have.
12. If you're a girl, ask the lady behind the cosmetics counter what to do about your face. Or, take scissors and cut off your nice long hair.
13. Go to the beach and compare your body with anyone who has a good build.
14. Go to the bathroom in someone else's house and wonder if they can hear you.
15. After leaving a room full of people, try to imagine what they might be saying about you.
16. Spend one hour a week wondering whether you tip too little and everybody thinks you're cheap, or whether you tip too much and everybody thinks you're a sucker.
17. Make a list of people you often have drinks or lunches with and figure out how many more times you've picked up the check than they have. Or make a list of everybody who owes you a small amount of money, and try to figure out how to get it back without seeming petty.

it's a great book!

so, anyway, here's hoping that everyone has a good week, and remembers to keep away from medical books, skinny beaches and lists that do not involve groceries and/or happy thoughts.

blogger is being a bit contrary and will not let me update photos right now so i'll try again in a few days. until then, here's a song: Calexico - el morrow. that i think mostly everyone will like ... at least, i hope so ...

tech support miracles ...

praise buddha and the gods of switchpod.

so. lucky for you-all (or y'all, or youz guyz, depending) today's happiness dose comes to you in the form real music. just click on the links to open/download and listen - and know that i'm aaaaalllll the way over here (in korea) wishing you a very good day.

this is what i call my 'pretty song list' and some of what i've been listening to lately, whenever i get a bit tired of feeling the 'unborn one' do cartwheels and skydives around my kidneys - and i want her to calm down. i don't really know if it works, but it makes me feel better.

my next posting project is to add a section with more photos, so stay tuned for more fat snapshots, scenic cherry blossoms, Mr. Lee practicing MY breathing techniques and ... various other bits of non-confucian ribaldry.

enjoy!

*1. Postal Service - against all odds. (removed)
*2. Reindeer Section - cartwheels. (removed)
*3. Elf Power - winter is coming. (removed)
*4. Sufjan Stevens - chicago. (removed)
*5. Cat Power - lived in bars. (removed)
*6. Air - playground love. (removed)

what a dish ...

feeding, zen style. this is for all you guys clamoring for snapshots of my 81/2 month belly! as a bonus - and just to prove that i've really lost all vanity - i've also elected to throw in a pair of swollen ankles. this pic is impressive not only because, note, i'm balancing the rice bowl on my foot - but also because the illustrious Mr. Lee took this snap with his camera phone.* i hope you appreciate how very difficult it was not to laugh while he was taking this.

i'm in the process of learning how to upload mp3 files to blogger and when that happens i expect to see instant returns - in the form of photos of all my sisters and friends dancing. and smiling. and preferably drinking something with alcohol and bubbles. until that happens tho - today's pollyanna tidbit will take the form of a track listing. here are 14 happy(ish) songs that have been keeping me grooving and beaming (albeit fatly). i miss everyone. really.

1. Nina Simone - my baby just cares for me
2. The Lost Patrol - alright
3. Interpol - evil
4. Bloc Party - modern love
5. Mates of State - goods all in your head
6. Grandaddy - nature anthem
7. Blur - tender
8. Sarah Harmer - aglow
9. Ben Lee - gamble everything
10. Jed and Lucia - off the ground
11. Jenny Lewis - happy
12. Beth Orton - conceived
13. Iron and Wine - such great heights
14. Belle and Sebastian - fuck this shit

* his phone also writes poetry, breathes under water and can tango. well, not really, but it should, for the price he paid for it.

~

listing about ...

i do enjoy a good list. today's list is bought to you courtesy of Mr. Lee himself who, through a combination of diligent TOEFL study and violent game-playing (godfather, need for speed, sanctuary and doom) has created a very valuable arrangement of vocabulary, idioms and lexical chunks. we call it the study guide for crooks and scoundrels. listed here in the order in which he came across them:

hypocrite
engrossed
exhibit
lunatic
racket
wack
what the hell are you doing?
you bastard!
extort
abscond
despicable
desperate
somebody call the police!
somebody has a death wish
detest
dilute
evaporate
utilize
demise
cleave

now, about this list. the first thing that came to my mind (besides: 'does he know that he can't play these games after the baby comes?' and 'should i mention this now or later?') was: 'feck, what a nasty bunch of mephitic* and dirty terminology!' and then i wondered: of the estimated 50-60 thousand words an average 'educated' english speaker can recognize and produce, how many of those have negative meanings or connotations? and shouldn't somebody out there start a happiness campaign to introduce more positive and sunshiny words into our mental lexicon? or, more realistically, because, really, i may just be reacting to the abundance of mommy-to-be hormones coursing through my body: how about just some funnier words?

here's one to start:

'And now we need as it were a tompion to protect the contents of this flask from invading bateria. I presume you know what a tompion is, Cornelius?'
'I can't say that I do, sir' I said.
'Can anyone give me a definition of this common English noun?' A.R. Worsley said.
Nobody could ...
'Oh, come on, sir' someone said. 'Tell us what it means.'
'A tompion', A.R. Worsley said, 'Is a small pellet made out of mud and saliva which a bear inserts into his anus before hibernating for the winter, to stop ants getting in.'

Roald Dahl, My Uncle Oswald

*yes, i did. i actually thought that word.


~

mission statement replaces missionary position

it aint easy ... bein' korean

actually i wouldn't know that for a fact but my husband claims it's true. i can testify, however, that it aint always easy living in korea, being married to a korean, trying to speak korean, sleeping, working and being pregnant in korea. but it's never boring and, after 7 years, the Great Far East is starting to feel less like the Great Barrier Reef - and more like a home. it's an interesting place and an interesting life, and the closer i come to (omigod, omigod) motherhood, the more i realize that i want to chronicle it somehow. at least the interesting, funny and odd bits.

i'm a little uncomfortable with the idea of blogging (i'm not entirely convinced that i have the time, motivation, technical savy or literary verve) to devote to it but i'm more uncomfortable with the way the passage of time seems to be conspiring with population demographics. by this i mean: as more and more people from more and more places send me emails wondering exactly when i'm going to write, if i'm ok, how large my belly is and/or if they can see snapshots, the faster time seems to pass and put me even further in 'communication debt'. this wee bit of a space is an attempt to rectify that problem. and it's much nicer than a mass email, i figure.

and finally, for the pollyanna factor: i'm quite certain that the world has enough nasty-ass stories about bad blokes, rotten swindlers, puppy stranglers, greedy politicians and creepy uncles. so, feel free to drop by for a weekly dose of happiness, wackiness or heart-warming tales from my expanding universe.

and I'll leave you with this tasty quote for today:

"I am holding a great sword. You are holding chopsticks."

"I... see no difference."

Shadow of the Velvet Curtain, metis Theurge Shadow Lord, referring to Claws of Gaia, homid Ahroun Black Fury, and Circles the Fire, Lupus Stargazer