on (L)users with fake degrees

I've said this before, and I'll say it again: just say no to drugs. Especially if you live in South Korea, a place where you don't have ask permission before busting in on schools and demanding that fake teachers pee in little cups and where a gram of greenery is considered almost as bad as kilo of coke. I'm exaggerating - but only a little.

Here are two songs to not get high to:

Herman Dune - i wish
The Concretes - foreign country.

Have a great day, don't talk to strangers and remember: we're all adults now!

~

let there be music

Gnarls Barkley-Crazy (slow version live)

And, because I looovvee this version:

Mama Lion - aint no sunshine

Try my new zippy-swishy file host (hoster?). It's keen. You now have the option of just listening or downloading. And you can view sexy videos as well. ***Post edit: Finally, I believe the irksome "sexy video" option has been removed and the above link should be a direct download. Go to town ...

dem's fightin' werds

I've created a monster. No, not Hayden! One interesting aspect of being married to a Learner of English is that I get to witness first hand, and on a continual basis, the results of hardwork, motivation* and language immersion. Mr. Lee's spoken English is pretty good, his listening skills are excellent and like most Koreans, he has a shockingly advanced grammar. Where I come from, grammar is just someone's grandmother.


But he's not perfectly fluent and is always learning new words and picking up new expressions. The problem is that he learns much of this English from me and, as soon as I step out of the classoom, my language becomes significantly less ... elegant. It's like this: inside the classroom I wear nice flats and ironed blouses. At home I wear slippers and a tanktop. It's just not the same. Sometimes the things he picks up from me are cute and funny. Today, for example, he referred to the scraps of rice and veggies that had stranded themselves in our sink as "gross foody bits". And our obtuse and rude administration hacks as "rat bastards". And when Hayden is hungry he announces quite seriously that it's "booby time" or "time for a latte". These things are usually charming and good for a laugh or two - but there's a darker side to all this gratuitous thievery, as I've been learning.

During a heated disagreement a few days ago Mr. Lee actually asked me - complete with haughty raised eyebrows - if I was being "serious or just sarcastic?" and then a few moments later accused me of "being impossible to talk to". And then later on he actually sighed and rolled his eyes and said something like: "I think we've had this conversation before, haven't we"?

!!! Damn straight we've had that conversation before !!! But those were MY English fighting words! My Superior Eyebrow Look. MY self-righteous indignation. My passive-aggressive tactics!! What a thief! And what a way to kill a good argument. It was like fighting with myself in one of those trick circus mirrors; a little scary and a lot funny. And not something I'd ever want to do on acid. Not that I've ever done acid. Mom.

And honestly, also very humbling. Because, you know, I learned that I sound like an asshole when I'm arguing. But also, it made me think about Hayden, and the things we inadvertently teach our children. Do I want her running around sighing and rolling her eyes at people? No, of course not. Nor do I want her to grow up listening to her parents talking at-not-to each other, looking for the best possible cheap shot and practicing being haughty and sanctimonious. Fudge, no!! I'm not naive enough to think that we can raise her to adulthood without causing her some kind of angst or minor trauma - but I do hope we can teach her to not act like a flatulent prig when she's annoyed. I think she should pick that up from her friends or from trashy novels, just like I did. You know, it's the small things that add up. :)

And on to Fusion Baby. She had a few immunizations last week and at her checkup she was weighed and measured and prodded and her pediatrician tells us that she weighs a solid 8 kilos, or about 18 million pounds. And that she's as tall as a newborn giraffe. This is almost true, as you can see from the photos. I know I'm horribly biased but I do think she's the most beautiful child in the universe. Isn't she though? And smart! She kicks her feet and chortles in ecstasy when she sees me approaching with anything made of yellow fabric - because she thinks that it's a sling and that she's going to take a walk. She actually cried a few days ago when I just kept folding bedsheets instead of taking her out doors in them. She's a funny baby, that's for sure.

I have some mp3s and a video to upload but - !!! quelle surprise !!! - switchpod is not working. I'll try again in a few hours so if music and video is your thang - please check back later ~

G'nite ...

on being green

Things have been busy around here - what with possible N.K nuclear explosions, midterm exam prep, red-ant infestations and my current quest for new employment - so blogging has been back-burnered for the past week. I apologize, but I apologize with my hands on my hips and one eyebrow raised, because it seems a bunch of my real-time friends and family members have gone awol in Blogsville. Where is everyone - and are you ok?

So/well. Chuseok-Thanksgiving was largely crisis-free, thank the gods, but it involved 10 hours in a car with Mr. Lee's family and 10 or 15 more hours of stiff bowing, stiff smiling and confused fumbles, on my part. We did the Kyungsangnam-do tour (Masan-Busan-Ulsan-Gyongju) and I, for one, am happy that we only have to do this once or twice a year. These Lee family get-togethers always leave me feeling slightly slighted and very stupid - and then invariably having to confront and analyze myself. Like, am I hyper-sensitive or are they rude? Am I not humble enough or are they pushy? Is Hayden really warm enough - or am I being a bad mother by not wrapping her in three layers? Am I misunderstanding - or did that woman really just say that she thought I looked like a man? And, importantly, am I being paranoid or did my husband leave his sense of humour at the front door? In fact, who IS that man?? And so on ...

I just don't have time for that kind of worry and introspection, damnit! My life is happy and rosy right now - and I feel annoyed by all the drama and confusion and noise and lack of democracy surrounding everything my in-laws do. The crowning point of this [growing] discomfort came over the holiday when I left Hayden alone just for just 2 stinking moments so I could get a glass of water. When I came back into the room I found her squirming around in great-halmoni's Grip Of Steel with a big metal spoon protruding from her mouth and shik-gae (rice drink) dribbling down her wee chin. And SHE DIDN'T LIKE IT. And neither did I. So much for my Rockwellian fantasy of giving Hayden her first taste of real food while nestled in my warm embrace, a smooshed banana or warm cereal by my side.

[thump]

Yes, that was the sound of my head hitting the desk. I promised myself when I started this online journal that I would NOT be negative. That I WOULD NOT be another foreigner complaining about Korea. That I chose this life and that I had better Suck It Up, as my step-father likes to admonish. And that Humour is better than Angry Tirades and that when in doubt about the legitimacy or veracity of my concerns I would just Type In Capitals to make my comments seem more Intelligent or Amusing.

Is It Working?

What is becoming increasingly apparent to me is that while I may be able to survive parenting my first child in Korea without the help of other women, I may not be able to survive being married in Korea without the help of other women. What I need is a nice English speaking ajumma to take me by the hanbok strings and teach me how to do all the things that I have to do. Because I'm obviously lost! The smallest things (how to clean bean sprouts the Korean Way, for example) as well as the really big things (how to bow like a lady and speak Korean) all leave me floundering dangerously in a cultural purgatory. I've been in Korea long enough to know that This Is Not Canada and that It Is My Responsibility To Adapt - but I haven't been here long enough to know how to make these changes gracefully and with diplomacy. A bull in a china shop is the image you should be conjuring.


Still, our 24-hour tour was not an exercise in total humiliation for me, and I'd hate for it to sound that way. There were some good points. The Lee family is, in all the most important ways, supportive and kind and we had some good laughs, not all of which were at my expense. And, of course, we came home with a trunk filled with Chuseok Food and baby who is most assuredly NOT allergic to rice water and definitely enjoys a long car ride. Perhaps next year I'll have mastered Korean dialect, his family will clean the bean sprouts before I arrive - and Hayden will be old enough to choose her own food. We can always hope ...
And finally, click

Shortwave Set - repeat to fade.

for what Amazon.uk calls "Victorian Funk". I just call it a necessary part of the soundtrack for your next good day. This is from their 2005 album The Debt Collection. Click here to see the video.

And enjoy your week!

confucius meets cinderella

So Mr. Lee stays home with Hayden during the day, it's true. He changes nappies, walks Hayden around the neighborhood, dresses her in Super Hero costumes, flies her around the apartment, sings songs and offers her token bottles of lukewarm breastmilk. He's a good stay@home.dad.

Mr. Lee also cooks the tastiest jjigae in Masan and, seriously, makes the best kimchi fried rice in the galaxy. He invented the roast-chicken bibimbap (I kid you not) and he actually knows how to shave ice for patbingsu.

And in case you're not impressed yet: he also cleans. He tosses around laundry hampers like they're thimbles, cleans floors the Korean Way (with nothing but a drop of water and a single square of toilet paper), washes dishes and, if I look plaintively at him, will even clean the toilet.

He does not, however, do all of these things at the same time, or even on the same day. And he does not, I've learned, take kindly to any suggestion that he tidy up after himself when he's tending to Hayden. The result of all this single-minded, single-tasking is: 1 happy baby, 1 messy apartment and at least 1 weekly phone call to the local Chinese food restaurant for jajangmyeon.

And our first Fusion Family impasse.

Because, you know, I WORK. I teach surly 20 year olds. And between my teaching of gerunds and lexical chunks and basic manners - I manage to dart home 3 times a day to feed Hayden, hit the grocery store for supper fixings, dodge traffic and convince at least 372 ageossis that I am NOT a retired Russian Dancer. Life is tiring out there!! So when I arrive home (please imagine the sound of The Bacon dragging behind me) I'm usually, well, Hungry - and I'm met at the door by a Hungry Hayden, a Hungry Husband - and a living room that looks like the set of a disaster movie.

Nobody, and I mean no-ba-dee, wants to cook or clean, so Mr. Lee and I have started playing frantic games of blindfolded rock-paper-sissors in an attempt to politely regulate our domestic duties. But it's a lose-lose situation because one of us invariably cheats* and one of us invariably gets sulky and petulant.**. There really is no solution to this common problem - so we're just holding out until Hayden is old enough to crawl to the sink, prop herself up on a stool and start doing the dishes for us.

I'm smiling as I type this because, actually, we have been having a great week. This is chuseok in Korea and - for me - that means no work, no noisy students tossing soju bottles around the soccer field directly outside my bedroom window at 2am, no academic obligations and importantly, lots of free time to play with Hayden and cook and clean at my leisure. Also, we're off to Mr. Lee's family home a bit later - but only for 1 day - so I imagine we'll return laden with sacks and bags of tasty treats and yummy bits. And hopefully, unlike last time, I won't be fondled by the Lactation Police.

Have a good week, and Happy Harvest Moon Festival!

Sarah Harmer - shine on harvest moon.
Neil Young - harvest moon.

*me
**me