First of all I want to say that the Illustrious Mr. Lee is NOT perfect. I have my fair share of
complaints about him. Even a tirade or two. And, I confess, this quote* by Anita
Milner has
occasionally flitted through my mind and caused me to laugh darkly. Yes, shocking.
But. There are several domestic areas in which he excels. Three of them I can share with you today. They are 1) taking care of
Hayden 2) cooking 3) cleaning.
There are also, unfortunately, several facets of life in which Korean men are not encouraged to excel. They are, of course 1) taking care of children and 2) cooking and 3) cleaning. And when I say that Korean men "are not encouraged to excel" in these areas I don't mean that most women do most of the household chores and just grumble a bit. I mean that most men do NOT ever cook or clean or change a diaper or wipe a snotty nose. EVER. And they are not embarrassed by this fact. And they don't think the situation should change.
Now I know
there's bound to bee a couple of people reading this who will want to cite examples of their Korean father-in-law who makes pancakes, or a younger brother who likes drying dishes and I admit that in a country of 48 million people there must be a bunch of men whose mothers taught them to clean bean sprouts and wash a cup properly. I concede that. After all, I married one. But they are few and far in between.
And they don't like to talk about it. And the
reason they don't talk about it highlights one of the primary differences between Domestic
Doofuses in, say, North America and those you will find here in Korea.
They
don't talk about it for the same reason other men would never talk about their cross dressing habit or their kinky obsession with
farm animals - it's considered
demasculinating or just plain disgusting. An
aberration.
On an intellectual level I find this socially sanctioned/encouraged domestic rigidity to be interesting because it's so old-fashioned when placed along side Korea's cutting-edge technology,
über modern conveniences and super
metrosexual men. A pink shirt and a handbag is
ok. Washing dishes is
not ok.
But I also find it personally interesting because of its affect on my own life. When I talk about what my husband "does" (a topic that always comes up in conversations in Korea). I have to tiptoe around the issue of him being a House Husband and concentrate on his studies. Or I just talk about his previous academic background. Or I say something about the difficulty of finding jobs. Or that we just moved to
Daejeon so he hasn't found a job yet. I go through all of these slippery Half Trut
hs just because the Full Truth - that he stays home to take care of his daughter and his home - is too shocking for most people to accept. Not that they don't believe it - they do believe it - but they think it's embarrassing and shameful. And they often think that there must be something wrong him. Not 'working'? Staying at home? Doing a woman's job? He must be touched in the head.
Some of you kind souls who have been reading this blog since its inception may remember me talking about the reaction I encountered
when I told people that we were having a girl. Well, the same sort of thing is sort of happening now. I'm starting to feel embarrassed when the topic of occupations and child care comes up in conversation. And then I feel guilty. And then I feel annoyed. And then tired.
It's just one big cycle of shitty emotions and I blame all this on Confucius
(a.k.a K'ung-
fu-
tzu or
孔夫子). I'd originally intended to write a lengthy explanation of Confucianism in Korea but it turns out I'm more interested in just complaining about it. Not very fair of me I guess - but there
is a reason I call this an "online journal" and not a research blog. I'll be kind enough to direct you
here though, for a good
web page that explains the basic tenets of Confucianism. Also, our good friend
Wikipedia has an article up that you can read
here. They talk about the history of Confucianism but also explain how it is that people in Korea can identify strongly as Christian or Buddhist or atheist - but still live a life of Confucian rules and morals - which is something a couple of people have asked me about:
Today, the landscape of Confucian schools, temples, places of ancestral worship, and scholarship have been minimised, if not put to the side as historical artifacts worthy only of tourists, scholars, or neglected preservation. However, Confucian values arguably still have an immense influence on the psyche of the Korean people. Moreover, Confucianism is not necessarily regarded as a religion, allowing one to be a Taoist, Christian, Muslim, Shintoist or Buddhist and still profess Confucianist beliefs.
But. All is not dark and dismal. The dust-busting Mister Lee has been doing much better with the whole House Husbandry thing lately and I write all this with his permission. For a long time I think he stayed home with Hayden just because it fit (logically) with our ideas on childcare, finances and marriage (i.e: we both wanted one parent to stay at home for Hayden's first year, we wanted to save money and we wanted to actually eat together in the evenings). We couldn't do all of those things if he was the one bringing home the bacon. So he stayed home - and tended wonderfully to Hayden - but his ego took a beating. These days things are much better for him, probably since Hayden is able to toddle around a bit and no longer sobs at peek-a-boo and Skinnamarinkidinkidink. At least not so often. These days there is more play and more learning, and less mechanical diaper changing.
So my darling Mister - who has previously avoided discussing his role as a revolutionary young Korean and didn't want to actually call himself a SAHD or a House Husband - actually participated in the following conversation a few days ago after he came home from the grocery store with a kitchen gadget we do not need:
Me: (fuming) What the #&$%@ did you buy???? What is that?? A big, ugly kitchen blah blah??? But we have one! We don't need another one! I'm seriously pissed!! You know I hate blah blah and I LOVE my counter space blah blah. Bitch bitch blah.
Mister Lee: (frowning) I think if I am the House Husband then I need House Husband things. I don't think you should complain. I can use this in the kitchen for doing dishes when you're working. Because I'm a House Husband. So!
Snicker. That's really how he talks. And, unfortunately, really how I talk sometimes. Anyway. He kept his kitchen toy and I kept my mouth shut. It was worth it, just for the story and the laughs and the progress it bought.
And that's all from the Kimchi pot. Have a great week and stay out of trouble! Coming next week - our trip to the zoo - if you hadn't already guessed from the 10 million animal references. And you thought I was just being punny.
Jenny Lewis - rise up with fists
The Gossip - don't make waves
xiu xiu - ceremony
* In August, my husband, Morris, and I celebrated our 38th wedding anniversary. You know what I finally realized? If I had killed the man the first time I thought about it, I'd have been out of jail by now. - Anita Milner
Last week I came across this podcast from mojomom and I thought it was really interesting. Leslie Bennetts, author of the very controversial The Feminine Mistake talks with Mojo Mom Amy Tiemann about stay@home.momming and the long-term financial, professional and emotional repercussions of being away from the workforce. Before I deliver my cheeky 2 cents worth let me just say that I think that Bennets makes some good points about finances and how a woman's economic viability changes when she leaves a workplace. I think the research she presents is compelling and I also think she has good intentions. I think she's trying to help.
