I was reading this post by Snickolett a few days ago and, like a lot of good posts, it made me smile and it made me think. This time all my strenuous brain activity was directed at the philosophy of Attachment Parenting, as coined by the world-famous Baby Cuddler, Dr. Sears.
Snickollet makes one the best natural arguments against full-time attachment parenting that I've ever read and she does it with candor and brisk pragmatics: there is only so much of her, only so m
uch time and so many other things that just need to be done. Also, she is doing it alone and she has TWINS, and if that doesn't get your !OH MY! hackles up then I just don't want to be your friend anymore. I type that gently, and with a smile.
So Snickolett's post got me to thinking about my own Fusion Family and my own parenting tactics with Hayden. I, like almost every other mother I know, embarked on my parenting journey full of eager love; just bursting with nutritious breast milk and visions of warm baby bonding. Loooong before Hayden arrived I had armed myself with a baby sling and a book on Attachment Parenting. I was eager to Nurture and I vowed that for Hayden's first 6 months (at least) I would never resort to Cry It Out Tactics. And that for the first 6 months (but only) she would sleep with us. And that we would say no to Baby Training. And that I would always feed on demand. I still generally stand by those sentiments but I'm a lot less *smug* about them now!
The fact that I've kept those promises, almost, and stuck by those resolutions has a lot to do with necessity/circumstance/fluke and not much to do with moral fortitude. Hayden turns 1 next week (!) and I can say with certainty that if we lived in a bigger place, or in a different country, or if she were just a little bit higher maintenance, or a little less stubborn, then the story of her first year of life would read much differently. For example:
- It just so happens that we currently live a place the size of a matchbox. And this is roomy compared to our last flat. I mean that in the truest sense of the word, btw: it's roomy. We now have 2 bedrooms in our apart
ment whereas our last place had just one. Unfortunately one of these bedrooms is too small to hold both a bed and a dresser so we had to use it as a 'study'. This means Hayden still sleeps with us. Right in the middle, in all her spread-eagled, leg thrashing glory. This is quite typical for Korea though - even in larger families with bigger homes - so we are neither socially disgraced nor considered overly 'organic' for our bed sharing tendencies. I think that if we were in Canada, or in a bigger house though, I would have opted to put Hayden in her own room by now.
- Cry It Out is something that sounds cruel to people who have never experienced a) the debilitating effects of long-term exhaustion or b) the ability of a baby to mysteriously FREAK OUT and refuse to be soothed/helped or c) the very REAL need women have to shower and brush teeth and eat food. The aforementioned Dr. Sears likes to remind us that "during the first year, a baby's needs and wants are the same" and I agree that this might be true for the first 6-8 months of life but after that? Nuh-uh! Tonight Hayden threw a mini-tantrum because I wouldn't let her play with the nail clippers. I tried to distract her - didn't work. I tried hiding the clippers - didn't work. I tried exchanging the clippers with a toy/a plastic bottle/my breast - didn't work. I tried to remove us from the scene and move to another (the only other) room - didn't work! In the end, I just held her and let her have her mini-conniption, and hoped I wasn't doing anything wrong. I also fantasized about throwing the clippers into her grasping little hands and yelling "fine, HAVE THEM!! Be-atch!". I didn't do that - but I thought about it. That's reality, in my world. Thankfully, Hayden has until now limited her bitchiness to plaintive whines for booby and has only cried when we try to play peek-a-boo or (scary!) read her stories from pop-up books. Were she a different child - or if I had more than one child - I'm sure CIOs would feature about as prominently in our lives as kimchi and chopsticks.
- An important part of this story is our location. We are in Korea. And Korea is land of Everyone Loves a Baby. No matter where I take Hayden - the park or a department store - there are actual mobs of women who are all willing and wanting to take Hayden and play with her. Part of this star treatment comes from the fact that she's a 'foreign' baby with big eyes and a shy smile, but, really, the most important reason for her instant fame is just that she's a baby. Korea may be strict and challenging for older people but babies and small children are really spoiled and treated with tenderness. I'm pretty sure that if we lived in Canada I would occasionally encounter people who would advise me to 'put the baby down' or to 'let her cry herself to sleep' but I never experience that here. There are always scads of people just dying to get their mitts on Hayden so they can ply her with goodies and sing and rock her to sleep.
Snickollet makes one the best natural arguments against full-time attachment parenting that I've ever read and she does it with candor and brisk pragmatics: there is only so much of her, only so m
uch time and so many other things that just need to be done. Also, she is doing it alone and she has TWINS, and if that doesn't get your !OH MY! hackles up then I just don't want to be your friend anymore. I type that gently, and with a smile.So Snickolett's post got me to thinking about my own Fusion Family and my own parenting tactics with Hayden. I, like almost every other mother I know, embarked on my parenting journey full of eager love; just bursting with nutritious breast milk and visions of warm baby bonding. Loooong before Hayden arrived I had armed myself with a baby sling and a book on Attachment Parenting. I was eager to Nurture and I vowed that for Hayden's first 6 months (at least) I would never resort to Cry It Out Tactics. And that for the first 6 months (but only) she would sleep with us. And that we would say no to Baby Training. And that I would always feed on demand. I still generally stand by those sentiments but I'm a lot less *smug* about them now!
The fact that I've kept those promises, almost, and stuck by those resolutions has a lot to do with necessity/circumstance/fluke and not much to do with moral fortitude. Hayden turns 1 next week (!) and I can say with certainty that if we lived in a bigger place, or in a different country, or if she were just a little bit higher maintenance, or a little less stubborn, then the story of her first year of life would read much differently. For example:
- It just so happens that we currently live a place the size of a matchbox. And this is roomy compared to our last flat. I mean that in the truest sense of the word, btw: it's roomy. We now have 2 bedrooms in our apart
ment whereas our last place had just one. Unfortunately one of these bedrooms is too small to hold both a bed and a dresser so we had to use it as a 'study'. This means Hayden still sleeps with us. Right in the middle, in all her spread-eagled, leg thrashing glory. This is quite typical for Korea though - even in larger families with bigger homes - so we are neither socially disgraced nor considered overly 'organic' for our bed sharing tendencies. I think that if we were in Canada, or in a bigger house though, I would have opted to put Hayden in her own room by now.- Cry It Out is something that sounds cruel to people who have never experienced a) the debilitating effects of long-term exhaustion or b) the ability of a baby to mysteriously FREAK OUT and refuse to be soothed/helped or c) the very REAL need women have to shower and brush teeth and eat food. The aforementioned Dr. Sears likes to remind us that "during the first year, a baby's needs and wants are the same" and I agree that this might be true for the first 6-8 months of life but after that? Nuh-uh! Tonight Hayden threw a mini-tantrum because I wouldn't let her play with the nail clippers. I tried to distract her - didn't work. I tried hiding the clippers - didn't work. I tried exchanging the clippers with a toy/a plastic bottle/my breast - didn't work. I tried to remove us from the scene and move to another (the only other) room - didn't work! In the end, I just held her and let her have her mini-conniption, and hoped I wasn't doing anything wrong. I also fantasized about throwing the clippers into her grasping little hands and yelling "fine, HAVE THEM!! Be-atch!". I didn't do that - but I thought about it. That's reality, in my world. Thankfully, Hayden has until now limited her bitchiness to plaintive whines for booby and has only cried when we try to play peek-a-boo or (scary!) read her stories from pop-up books. Were she a different child - or if I had more than one child - I'm sure CIOs would feature about as prominently in our lives as kimchi and chopsticks.
- An important part of this story is our location. We are in Korea. And Korea is land of Everyone Loves a Baby. No matter where I take Hayden - the park or a department store - there are actual mobs of women who are all willing and wanting to take Hayden and play with her. Part of this star treatment comes from the fact that she's a 'foreign' baby with big eyes and a shy smile, but, really, the most important reason for her instant fame is just that she's a baby. Korea may be strict and challenging for older people but babies and small children are really spoiled and treated with tenderness. I'm pretty sure that if we lived in Canada I would occasionally encounter people who would advise me to 'put the baby down' or to 'let her cry herself to sleep' but I never experience that here. There are always scads of people just dying to get their mitts on Hayden so they can ply her with goodies and sing and rock her to sleep.
One of my favourite memories of the past year is of walking through Suwon City with Hayden and my father and the Mister. We needed to get to the train station - fast - and because it was still fairly early in
the evening we decided to take a short-cut through the red light district. As we walked along the street (stepping briskly and trying not to gawk*) hordes of the ... er... Ladies of the Night, in full costume and regalia, began cooing and exclaiming over Hayden and her extreme cuteness. They hung out of their doorways, calling out to us in Korean, saying "oh, what a cute baby", "oh, look at her big eyes", "oh, look, look, she looks like a doll!", and as I laughed I thought to myself that I doubted if hookers in, say, Toronto, would be as enamoured with a 6 month old baby as Korean ones are!
I could talk ALL DAY about the ferocious passion I feel for Hayden and the way becoming a mother has made me re-think love, genetics, god, evolutionary psychology, family, marriage and mortality. Big Thoughts for a Big Experience. It has truly shaken my world. But on a practical day-to-day level I mostly think about these things: time, sleep, patience, food, health, time, sleep. Ask me what expectations I have for the next year? I'm going to try to stay away from the Big Specifics and and the Parenting Rules and just keep it simple: love hard, hard work, try my best - make more smiles than tears. And a strict bedtime for everyone.
the evening we decided to take a short-cut through the red light district. As we walked along the street (stepping briskly and trying not to gawk*) hordes of the ... er... Ladies of the Night, in full costume and regalia, began cooing and exclaiming over Hayden and her extreme cuteness. They hung out of their doorways, calling out to us in Korean, saying "oh, what a cute baby", "oh, look at her big eyes", "oh, look, look, she looks like a doll!", and as I laughed I thought to myself that I doubted if hookers in, say, Toronto, would be as enamoured with a 6 month old baby as Korean ones are!I could talk ALL DAY about the ferocious passion I feel for Hayden and the way becoming a mother has made me re-think love, genetics, god, evolutionary psychology, family, marriage and mortality. Big Thoughts for a Big Experience. It has truly shaken my world. But on a practical day-to-day level I mostly think about these things: time, sleep, patience, food, health, time, sleep. Ask me what expectations I have for the next year? I'm going to try to stay away from the Big Specifics and and the Parenting Rules and just keep it simple: love hard, hard work, try my best - make more smiles than tears. And a strict bedtime for everyone.
And that's all I have to say for a few days. Believe it or not, I'm off to bed. Have a good week, and, of course, music for you:
Rufus Wainwright - rules and regulations
Butterfly Boucher - changes
* I think that my Pure as the Driven Snow husband and my Too Old For That Nonsense dad tried not to stare - but I didn't. I gawked and craned my neck and waved at them. They were pretty.
Rufus Wainwright - rules and regulations
Butterfly Boucher - changes
* I think that my Pure as the Driven Snow husband and my Too Old For That Nonsense dad tried not to stare - but I didn't. I gawked and craned my neck and waved at them. They were pretty.
